Being a step parent can be a beautiful, rewarding experience, a brutal, hellish one and then everything in between - sometimes all within the same weekend!

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Step families and divorce

 

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics approximately 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, although this number does not account for the couples that have children together and were not married.  So, based on these statistics, stepfamily.org.au estimates that 1 in 5 Australians are part of a step family. This means that there is a considerable portion of the population attempting to navigate their way through blending the 'old' family with the 'new'.  Furthermore, studies indicate that second and subsequent marriages are even more likely to end in divorce with one of the most common reasons cited for the relationship breakdown being issues arising from the children of prior partnerships.

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Blended family struggles

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I've met many people who are trying to blend their own families together with their new partner and their family, often with little success.  It's not uncommon for me to hear comments such as "the children are ruining our relationship", "I'm sick of being treated like a doormat", "his/her ex is controlling our lives through the children"and "I'm expected to love his children but sometimes I don't even like them". Step parents have described feeling isolated, angry, jealous, frustrated and often feel that they no longer have autonomy over their own lives.

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Becoming a step parent requires a thick skin and plenty of patience as this role often receives little recognition or support from the Family Court, the education system, the medical profession or even the biological parents whose child you are helping to raise.  One of the difficulties with step parenting is that you can pour your heart and soul into caring for and raising somebody else's child, but the moment the biological father or mother is present the expectation is that the step parent fades into the background and no longer has a say about the child they have been taking care of.  This can be hurtful and leave the step parent feeling confused and resentful.

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Seeking counselling to help

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I have been a step mother to my husband's child for several years and my husband is a step father to my children.  Therefore, I am fully aware of the ups and downs and the many difficulties that arise in not only trying to successfully blend our families, but also to keep our marriage intact.  Over the years there have been times when I thought our marriage wouldn't survive due to the difficulties I faced as a step mother, we've endured expensive court cases, manipulative and abhorrent behaviour from both ex's at times and very challenging behaviour from my step-daughter.  There were times when I considered that walking away from my marriage was the only solution, the only way to put an end to the stress that step parenting was causing me and the negative impact it was having on each member of our family.  However I didn't walk away but instead sought help from a counsellor.  Yes, it's common for counsellors to have counselling too, it helps us gain clarity and understanding on what's happening in our own lives in order to cope with these challenging situations.  Seeking help allowed me a safe space to voice my frustrations, concerns and anger about all of the issues that were occurring in our family.  As step parents we often place unrealistic expectations on the way in which our 'Brady Bunch' style blended family will behave and function and how we, in turn, will feel about our role as a step parent.  I learnt that step parents often have unrealistic expectations placed on them, such as they will automatically love someone else's child and relish spending time with them.  These expectations are often placed on the step parent by their partner, which can then make the situation even more challenging.  I now accept that it is enough to just 'like' a step child, if this organically and authentically grows into love at some point in the future then that's an added bonus, but it's not a given and it's ok to take the pressure off myself and my step child in the interim.

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Through my own counselling work and extensive research and study I now have strategies on how to cope with the demands of being a step parent and how to successfully co-parent both sets of children not only with my husband but also the other biological parents.  My husband and I have both learnt how to deal with any issues when and as they inevitably arise, thus avoiding conflict escalation and we also now manage our expectations, not only of each other, but our whole step family dynamic.

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Becoming a step parent is far more challenging than I ever anticipated.  There are still times when our blended family is far from ideal, however it is a vast improvement from where we were a few years ago and I'm also proud to say that my marriage is now stronger than ever.

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There is no need to suffer or struggle in the role of being a step parent as much as you probably are right at this moment.  Please contact me and together we can create a step family that works for everyone.